I just found out that my high school friend has passed away. Damen was not my best friend, but we certainly shared some funny memories and moments.

I remember actually how I first tried pot with him in his room and he got really paranoid and we tried to smoke whatever weed he had from an apple. He was just so chill and nice.

He would always laugh at Zhanel and my stupid jokes in class. And sometimes we could talk about music, or gossip and bitch about other people.

But he was always nice. I could never say anything bad about him. His soul was pure, I know that. And I hope that whatever trouble he was going through, he overcame it. And I hope he found his peace.

He was very talented and unique. His music, his style.

Last time I saw him was actually in Toronto. He came to my apartment at 1001 and we smoked up one more time. And then we went out exploring Toronto whilst high, getting our munchies at some burger joint on Yonge street, listening to music at my place afterwards. It was my “hippie” Bohemian careless period and seeing Damen only made things more chill and simple.

I wish we could have hanged out more.

This whole thing just makes me sad. Really. I can’t even fully realize that I will never be able to see this person. And I would have to talk about him in past tense. I think of my classmates now and then, how are they doing, what are they up to kind of thing. Sometimes I stalk them lol

And losing one of your classmates is heartbreaking, because no one deserve to die so young. But life is life, no matter how unfair it can get.

I just feel like death is invisible sometimes. It is everywhere. It is inevitable but at the same time I feel like it is an illusion sometimes. I really want to keep it that way, because I have no idea how to cope with that. I have no idea what his mother and close friends and relatives are going through. But I wish them to stay strong.

I feel like none of us actually know what it is until you come face-to-face with it. And I wish none of us to have that as long as we can.

I have this really bad feeling in my heart. I remember posting about my feelings. And right now I feel something. That deep ache inside my heart. My throat is dry and my face is kind of wobbly and zombie-like. This is how I am when I am sad. I also think a lot. And write.

I wish you Damen to rest in peace. You will be missed.



Few Last Days in Montreal -Life Diary/Update

Were dazed and confused. Life always gets messy like that. Apartment hurdles took the best of me. And it all came down on my like a heavy rain on July afternoon, unexpected and all at the same time. My sublet wanting to cancel our agreement, roommate with her undecided plans for July and the person I was subletting from ruining all my plans and just plain mistreating me.

But you know apart from that and the stress of the group project for my archaeology class, it is not all that bad.

I also have a cat in my apartment and although I was really excited at first, falling asleep to her scary darting movements and smells was by far not the greatest nights I had. I like cats and animals, but they need constant care which Megha seems to forget.

And now finally… I just feel like I am excited and dreading my departure from Montreal. So many things I havent done. So many I have done. I feel like I would love this city even more if I had my close friends or family around. But my life journey so far seems independent if not lonely. And I guess it is time to confess to myself, to accept that I am lonely and that I am tired of that. I have been rejecting this truth all the time. I was independent. I had friends but I led my life on my own, making my own decisions etc. But you know, at the end of the day you want to come back home and embrace someone you love, and tell them how great or awful the day was. It doesnt have to be a boyfriend! I just wish my sister, my mother, or one of my friends were here. Someone who could share these moments with me.

I feel like my relationships with people are getting more complicated and although I long for people, I also do enjoy time by myself. If I was here with friends, sure we could go out and do many things, but it would have been a different experience. Here I am sitting in the coolest, most charming Anticafe in Montreal, sipping on my latte and nibbling cookies, reading, practicing French, watching Friends and now writing this, and hearing Jazz festival at the same time! This is all my own doing. I created this day for myself and that is nice.

Also I really relate to this quote:

“Traveling-to-a-place energy and living-in-a-place energy are two fundamentally different energies”

When people ask me for directions in Montreal or speak French, or I can converse with someone about my favourite restaurants and cafes, you become a Montrealer. Of course not born and raised. But I certainly am not a tourist. “However temporary it may be, I am a civilian”. But that also makes me understand how this is not my home either. And then I get totally confused because I feel like Toronto has become my home. A second home I convince myself, but I havent lived in Almaty for longer than 3 months more than 3 years now. So I dont feel like I belong there. There is no sense of purpose there. It is like coming on vacation to meet your friends and family.

But when I am in Toronto I feel purpose, I feel like I belong and like this is my own life. The one I made for myself. Although of course I realize a lot of it was with help and luck. But the essential difference is like between the family you make and the one that is given to you. You love both equally, but you feel more responsibility to the one you created. It is the product of your decisions. And that makes Toronto in some weird sense my home and the people from there my family.

Every year is so different for me and I just cant imagine what life has in store for me but I know that Autumn brings yellow leaves and wind of change. And I only hope for the better because I have so many plans, goals, dreams!

I just need support.