This has been bothering me for a while

Ever since I came to Canada, I changed. I dont think that many people notice this change, because it is inside me. I feel different. I feel more open. More open-minded. I feel free.
Back home I was constantly trying to fit in to the society. Living by the rules it dictates. Listening to some random bullshit most of the people talked around me.
When I came here, I did not know much. I was a stranger, longing for home, for a sense of “belonging”. But I know firmly that the only place we truly belong is home, where we are loved unconditionally, for who we are and for who would like to become.
Even though, I can never call Canada my home, I know that this place has something special about it that attracts me. I can finally become one with myself. What a strange phrase, huh? What I am trying to say, is that the experience of being far from home, from friends and finally, constantly re-discovering the limits of my comfort zone, helped me to explore, not only the world around me, but my own inner world.
Picture yourself when you were 9. What did you think of yourself? What did you know about yourself? [i hate using that word so much, sorry!] Not much. Could you ever picture your future-self doing what you are doing now? Or being more confident? Brave? Liking something you hated?
That’s what I am talking about.
I experienced things I never thought I would. I saw it. Felt it. And I am glad I did not limit myself.
But then, am I right to do so?
I am glad that I started questioning myself and my surroundings. For example, things like religion. They did not bother me much back home. Perhaps, it is the effect of education. Perhaps, the open-mindedness of the West. But it made me think and struggle a lot over the past few years.
Is it okay to be open to new things? To be explorative? Or is it only okay until you are okay with it? Then, how do you find your own limit?
Life for me is a constant struggle with myself. With my good-self and dark-self. And I always knew that there is something dark about me. I was just not ready to accept it. Hiding the truth.
As much as I want to be able to see only the good side of people, I have much keener vision for the bad things that happened to them. But as far as I know, bad things happen to good people too. No one can protect us from a tragedy, from abuse, from bad high school experience, that only leaves scars. Scars that we carry our whole life.
I am glad that I grew up to be a happy, healthy kid, surrounded by loving family. My parents did so much for me and I am very grateful to God [energy, nature] for this gift.
So, I hope that my experience in Canada will only bring good to me and make me stronger.
I had the urge to write this because I was depressed for a few days. I was home-sick and feeling lonely and unsocial at the same time. It is one of those times when you are just tired of everything. Your life, your friends, your house, your work. But, eventually, that feeling passes. What is hard to get rid of is fear. Fear of future, fear of uncertainty, fear of making a wrong choice.
I hope I am not alone on this path. I know everyone has their own struggle.
It is okay to be afraid of something.
Sometimes, you need to make a mistake, because it will help you to realize something important or keep you from making a bigger mistake.
No matter what, keep thinking positive. Living is a gift from God, don’t throw it away. Be happy!


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