Is it you April?

Yes. April has finally come. Seems it’s been not so long ago that I barely said goodbye to the cold winter of 2014. I haven’t written anything for a while because I took a spontaneous holiday trip to Dubai to visit my sister there and obviously relax and enjoy the best weather.

March in UAE is perfect, apart from jellyfish lying all over the beach. But even those couldn’t spoil my break. But now I am back to reality and its time to gather myself up and start focusing on my academics and future.

It’s pretty daunting to think about future. It’s so abstract and elusive. You think, you make plans and some things do work out, while some things don’t. But better to be ready, than not.

So, even though a while ago I couldn’t wait for April to come, now I am trying so hard to catch this time. If only we could stop the clock from moving, right? I hope that my plans for summer will work out and I’ll catch up on the stuff I missed during this year. I sound pretty hopeful, even though most of the nights I can’t sleep if I start thinking about it.

Because it’s at night, while you are waiting impatiently for your dreams to come; to finally sink down in your most sacred illusions, the fears and doubts start creeping up on you like tiny bugs. I am afraid. Afraid to fail. Afraid to be left behind. To be left alone, forgotten, unrealized. But I know that as long as I have those fears, I am not lost. For only, a person who truly doesn’t care, has lost himself.

But sometimes I do feel lost. I don’t what to do, where to go. I mean it takes literally 15 to 20 minutes to decide on what kind of beverage I want in a cafe. Some people are determined and assertive. They know what they want and they know how to get it. And they will get it. And me. I am not that type. I am the type that changes its decision thousand times in a minute and still not sure about the whole thing. So then, how can be I sure that I chose the right? I hear people saying “listen to your heard” kind of crap. But what if you can not afford yourself such a luxury? I know that billions of people are not doing something their “heart” told them to. Because they can’t, because it’s not wise to paint pictures when you have a huge family and don’t even have to pennies to rub together. That’s life.

That’s why I guess sometimes I get angry at those indie movies that show people who don’t give a fuck about all these present material things. They have their guitar or whatever,  a friend and they sing songs and they are happy. While people like me are caught up in this miserable consumerist world. But I am a consumerist. I am judgmental conformist. But I believe that in every and each of us deep down there lies a part that just wants to love and to be loved. I believe that’s all we really need. To belong.

And right now that’s what i am lacking. A sense of belonging. Of security. But I only started my journey and hopefully I am heading the right direction. After all, losing is not an option. And I am not going to fail.

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